Be a Tree or Gun Fodder When You’re Dead

beatree-nell-movie-posterbeatree-jodie_foster-300x240Remember Jodie Foster (a favorite) in the 1994 movie Nell (see trailer and wiki article)? “Ah ma tay in na winnn!” Translation from Nell’s unique language: “I’m a tree in the wind.” The translation is just in case you don’t remember or did not see the flick, or forgot this one of its best lines.

You can be a happy tree, too. Get your essence forever infused in the soul of a tree, thanks to the folks at Spirit Tree, for only $225.00 U.S.

beatree-spirittreeFrom their website: “The Spiritree is a biodegradable cinerary urn that transforms into a living memorial in the form of a tree. The two-piece container is composed of an organic bottom shell and a chemically inert, weathering ceramic cover. The bottom shell holds the cremated remains within its internal concavity, and is meant to be planted on the ground.

“When planted along with the Spiritree, the growing plant gradually feeds itself from the decomposing biodegradable bottom shell, and the calcium-rich cremated remains. In due time, the protective ceramic shell is broken by the growing tree, which becomes the actual living commemoration to the loved one’s remembrance. The Spíritree is certainly compatible with pet remains, and would be an equally fitting memorial for deceased animals.”

dkhometree responds (dun-te-de-dun):

There grows Granpa, swaying in the wind. Leafy old coot. I’m tired of raking these damn leaves, Granpa! One of these days I’m gonna cut you up and re-incinerate you!

Spiritree is a cute idea. BETTER THAN BEING STUFFED INTO A SHOTGUN SHELL.

beatree-wilted-sunflower-seedlingYes, indeed, at HolySmoke LLC, you can be packed into bullet casings or shotgun shells for only $850 a case. Hey, it’s a whole case, not just one measly tree seed that may not survive anyway.

In their own crazy words: “We offer a way to honor your deceased loved one by giving or sharing with him or her one more round of clay targets, one last bird hunt, or one last stalk hunt. … There is a much smaller ecological footprint caused by our service. … Now you can have the peace of mind that you can continue to protect your home and family even after you are gone.” [emphases mine]

beatree-shotgunHey, you could even share a 12-guage final blast! Be the first to sign up for DUAL packing into a shell — you AND your loved one in the same shell!  (Yes, they do offer pre-arrangements.)

Among the important things they want you to know:

“- Holy Smoke LLC offers discounts to active duty and retired military, law enforcement and fire fighters.”

No discount for senior citizens? Aren’t they more likely to be considering funeral pre-arrangements? That’s a market you don’t want to let get away and be buried in the mêlée of alternative funerary arrangements.

“- Holy Smoke is a fully copyrighted corporation in operation since early 2011.”

Fully copyrighted corporation, huh?  They need a better lawyer.  Or a dictionary.

This is important: “Any unused ash will be returned to sender.”

If you don’t think that’s funny, let me know and I’ll have your head stuffed and mounted for only $5000. Your loved ones will be able to see your smiling face over the mantle for generations. (Note: stuffed heads often end up in the attic.)

Have you seen any other post-mortem marketing ideas?  I’d really love to hear about it.

I’ve designed my own.  Wrap the ashes and a rock in a biodegradable paper towel and throw it into the river just above Niagara Falls (the famous honeymoon destination).  It will be great for their economy if it catches on.  Get both consummated and consecrated at the Falls.

Don’t miss this:

Seven Weird Examples of a Personalized Funeral – Funeral pictures shared by a funeral director.  Mildly weird humor.

From the Vidstone website: “The VIDSTONE Serenity Panel is groundbreaking. Utilizing specially patent-pending technology, this solar-powered panel provides families with the option of viewing a custom-created multimedia tribute at a loved one’s place of rest. This 7” LCD Panel attaches to most upright or slanted gravesite monuments, including gravestones, mausoleums and columbariums. At the mere touch of a button, a 5 to 8 minute video plays on the screen, recounting the most precious and poignant memories of a loved one.”

They don’t publish prices.  5 to 8 minutes?  Scheming demons.  Do you realize how small a 7″ screen is?

If I were to have a tomb, I’d want a Serenity Panel, which, upon “the mere touch of a button” a video of my meanest face suddenly yells very loudly, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” then goes black.  On second touch within 5 seconds it says something worse.

Vidstone offers memorial rigs for pets, too.  “The Vidpet Serenity Panel can be placed in a pet cemetery or in any area of your home – wherever you choose to forever remember the most precious moments with your cherished friend.”

So which one of these creative personalized memorials are you going to buy?  No reason you can’t have all three, with enough money.  Hey, you only die once.  Usually.

Co-star in this show; comment below

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